Sunday, January 16, 2011

Diary of a Snow Shoveler

This is for all my snowbound friends and for those of us who've lived with the white sh*t at some point in our lives. I have not laughed so hard in quite some time! I wish I knew who wrote this, they deserve a byline!
Enjoy ya'll!

DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER

December 8 - 6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I
took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge
soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses
Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every
inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more
lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've
ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did
both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplough came along
and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again.
What a perfect life!

December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My
neighbour tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white
Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have
so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow
again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm
glad he's our neighbour.

December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to
-20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath
away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This
is the life! The snowplough came back this afternoon and buried
everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much
shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I
wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow
tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer.
The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think
that's silly. We aren't in Alaska , after all.

December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my a** on the ice in the driveway
putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour,
which I think was very cruel.

December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to
stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to
irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit
it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm
freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20
Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the d*mn stuff
last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The d*mn snowplough came
by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the
only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and
they're out. Might have another shipment in March... I think they're
lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and
bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the
white sh*t fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till
August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel
and then I had to p*ss. By the time I got undressed, p*ssed and
dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a
plough on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too
busy. I think the *sshole is lying.

December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted
me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she,
nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she
did but I think she's lying.

December 24
6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplough, I broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a
b*tch who drives that snow plough, I'll drag him through the snow by
his b*lls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he
hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then
he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all
over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing
Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy
watching for the d*mn snowplough.

December 25
Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the d*mn slop tonight -
Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate
the snow! Then the snowplough driver came by asking for a donation
and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a
bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch
"It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the
microwave.

December 26
Still snowed in. Why the h*ll did I ever move here? It was
all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber
came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to
replace all my pipes.

December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The B*TCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave
in... That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think
I am?

December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plough driver, and now he is suing
me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also
for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his a**. The wife went
home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.

December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving
me. Why am I tied to the bed?

12 comments:

  1. Hilarious!!!! I live in the deep south now, but I remember when I went to college in PA, not being able to move my car for days, hunting for people who could help me push it out of the snowdrift it had gotten buried in.... Ugh!

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  2. I laughed until I cried the first time I read this and every re-reading brings on the same response. I was born and raised in NE Ohio and I hate snow! This story makes me laugh so hard because I hear so many born/raised Southerners wish for snow -- this writer captured that naivete perfectly! I love his descent into madness ala "The Shining"!!

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  3. Too funny! I lived in northern Illinois several years and once went three months without seeing the ground. I KNEW it was under there somewhere. There was a reason I moved south again!

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  4. LOL. I've never lived north of Georgia. :) This last week was my first experience with real snow. You know the kind that keeps you inside for days. I now know why I never moved farther north. :)

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  5. Me too Suzanne! You could not PAY me to move back up North!

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  6. LOL! This reminds me of the year we lived in North Dakota. The kids had to trick or treat in Parkas and snowboots. Lovely folks in North Dakota but it taught me an entirely new meaning to the word COLD. Thank goodness, we're back in Kentucky. Sometimes, we get ice and snow but just enough to "appreciate" the white stuff. Thanks for the chuckle and the walk down memory lane. :-)

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  7. Rachel, thank you for the best laugh I've had in days - we got 18 inches a few days ago on top of the foot we got the week before...NY in winter, I can so relate to this hilarious tale of woe!

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  8. I remember reading this a few years ago. I's just as funny now as it was then, although this time I didn't spit coffee onto the keyboard :)

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  9. ROFLMAO, Rachel! I've read this before and it's still hilarious. It's amazing the difference between the image and the reality of a heavy snow. I still like snow (in all honesty, I actually had to backspace to change that from love to like) but my true hatred is reserved for ICE. Enjoy your escape to the sultry south.

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  10. I lived in NW Ohio for decades and have been in Tampa for a blissful year and a half, wondering why it took me so long to leave all that snow!Your post sounds like every January I remember too well.

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  11. Where did you find this? It's too funny!

    But, ya know, reading this felt a bit like deja-vu... Only, instead of a whole month, we reached the same point in two days. Yeah, I think I'm cured of White Christmas wishes.

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  12. I wish I had the pictures from when we were snowed in for a week in the Austrian mountains. :)
    6ft+ icicles, walking to the stream to get water meant you walked through a tunnel of snow. Had to shovel the roof, as there was umm..a lot of snow on it. (About 4-5ft at least) I was about 4ft at the time, and when I clambered around up there I sank in all the way to my neck. (Which is when the adults decided it would probably be a good idea to move the white stuff off it.)
    On the other hand, I don't really remember a single winter without snow.
    Don't use salt. :) Use ash. At least for walkways. Yes, it's dirty, but if you use ash, your path won't freeze over again, you'll have grip...and track dirt all through the house.
    Hey. Better than broken bones, right? :)

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